FOR THE FIRST TIME-THE COMING OUT

“Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every FEAR is FREEDOM.” This is St Charles once again and I am taking over the responsibility of my friend who is on a night vacation. Here I am again to update his blog. After reading this post you will know my real purpose being a blog guest host.

I knew all the time that I was different. My memories go back to fifth or eight grade. I preferred to view pictures of men than those of women. In magazines, I found at some relatives the picture of “Adam” that was always the most interesting one. Looking back, I fell in love with a boy for the first time. I simply enjoyed seeing him, to watch how he moved. When he got a girlfriend, it was a big shock to me. My world tumbled down- even though back then I was not able to tell why.

My surroundings were quite anti-gay. The only things that mentioned were stereotyped prejudices when the discussion hit homosexuality. Gay tries to abuse little children. They behave in a female way and love to wear woman’s clothes. I was not that way. I felt absolutely normal. The only difference which separated me from boys of my age was that I felt more attracted to men than women. So I pulled myself into a big conflict. I did not know where I belong. For sure I was not heterosexual but obviously I was not gay either because I was not like THOSE. Because of these thoughts I withdraw more and more to myself. I did not let any feelings out of myself. I hardly could speak to my parents anymore. The longer I stayed in my hometown, the worst it got. Then I studied in the University and I looked for an own room in Clausthal. There I was free for the first time. I could do whatever I want. After getting an internet account by the University, I had no problem anymore to get in contact with other gay men. On a trip to Amsterdam, I met a couple I already knew from the Internet. They showed me for the first time in my life that I did not have to be ashamed for my homosexuality. After that meeting, I wish to tell everything about me to the people close to me. I did not want to hide any longer. On the day of my return from Mainz, I talked to my best friend here in Clausthal. I expected some rather negative reaction but my friend told me that nothing would change. It gave me the courage to talk to my parents. Half a week later came the possibility to talk to my mother. She stayed very calm-even more. She told me that she felt something like this before. And she asked me why I did not come earlier. Then we went to my father. He reacted with long silence and then with many questions. The atmosphere was quite normal after some time. They both said that they cannot understand it at the moment but I do not need to fear that our relationship would be shadowed by this. I do not think I was ever more grateful to them than that evening. Since then, everything worked out the best way it possibly could. I found another friend online and for more than three months we’ve been together, we became and still couple now. I love Heiko more than I could ever describe in these few lines. While the relationship between me and my parents is better than ever before in my life. All I can say is that my coming out was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life so far.

Three years passed and so many things have changed. My point view to the world and everything else is I don’t cry out that I’m gay anymore. But I leave no doubt about this. I work in political groups so that the situation for people who somehow don’t “fit in” gets better in the future. Until a few months ago I could have hit myself for all the things I missed while being young. Why did I wait so long? Why I have not been able to accept for who and what I am? What could have been if… Today, I only smile about this. If my life had been different because of an early coming out, I would have been a different person. I would not be the man I am now.

I want this story to be read as a THANK YOU to all the people who aree with me during my coming out and until now. Thank you all for everything. I am happy now and I am excited about the time to come. I’ll do my best to make it as happy as I am right now.

Savien.

“In almost everyone’s life there occurs a turning point. For some it’s a victory that brings new confidence, for others it’s an unexpected defeat that makes them face themselves and the truth. It’s not the event that redefines our lives so much as way we handle it." This is St. Charles- the English male version of Charo Santos. Happy weekend Kapamilya!